This site, called Rapture Ready, is a cute little website that tells you how close we are to the rapture. It’s like that nuclear bomb inspired Doomsday clock thing.
Right now, the Rapture Index is at 158, which means there is currently “heavy prophetic activity.” It’s got record highs and lows recorded on the site too. So, here’s my life coaching tips for a high index on the Rapture Scale!
1. Wear a belt. When all the Christians get yanked up into the air, you will be traveling at a high speed and you don’t want your pants to be down at your ankles, or worse, sitting on the ground where you got yanked from. You don’t want to spend eternity trying to borrow pants.
2. Don’t sleep naked. Similar reasoning to #1.
3. Spend more time outside. When you get raptured, you will be run straight through the ceiling, or bumped into it repeatedly until you bounce out a door or open window. It would be unfortunate to begin eternity with a headache from running into some popcorn ceiling and shingles.
4. Travel by airplanes. If you are in an airplane at the time of the rapture, you will be first in line for St. Peter. Even better, travel in airplanes that are full of Christians. There may be a chance that Jesus will simply divert the entire flight to the pearly gates. It would be like LOST with clouds and streets of gold.
5. Keep a flexible theology of the end times. If Jesus comes back at the wrong time on your dispensationalist/postmillenialist/midtribulationist chart, you have a decision to make. My rule of thumb is, if you hear trumpets and you see Christian people flying through the air, then get on the trampoline! Do not pick this time to argue biblical viewpoints, nobody will be aable to hear you over the trumpets anyways.
6. Finally, wear bright colors. It will look cooler if there are bright colors flying through the air. It’s like art, y’know.