Life Coaching: How to cross a river with multiple crocodiles in it

I figure after 31 years of life, it’s time for me to pass on some of the vast array of knowledge I have gathered.  So, this will likely be an ongoing series in the reorient blog.  No thanks required, and feel free to add your tips to my lists.

1.  Don’t wear leopard or zebra print.  This is attractive to crocodiles.  I would suggest wearing something less appetizing like broccoli or oatmeal.  Crocodiles hate those.

2.  Avoid reffering to the crocodiles as alligators.  Always treat crocodiles as you would like to be treated.  You’d hate it if the crocodiles called you a featherless chicken.

3.  Swim underwater not on the surface.  This way the crocodiles will assume you are stupid and may avoid eating you because you might not taste as good.  The added bonus is that, on occasion that the crocodiles do eat you, you can tell St. Peter you didn’t even see them because you were swimming under water.  This is called ‘The Stupid Strategy’.  It’s really famous.

4.  If you have a friend with you push them into the water first.  Hopefully they will be mad at you and splash around while yelling and screaming at you.  This will attract all the crocodiles to themselves while you can quickly go across the river a few yards away.  Don’t use this strategy if your friend owes you money.

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3 thoughts on “Life Coaching: How to cross a river with multiple crocodiles in it

  1. Take a young college student that looks like they have either spent a lot of time either in front of an Xbox or in a veal feeding pen. Fresh, young, tender meat… yum.

    It doesn’t hurt to stuff their pockets with Arby’s sauce packets.

    I usually tell people around the time of my birthday that I am safer every year against man-eating alien invasion. My meat is starting to get tough to chew. They are going to pass me up for awhile. In fact, I have a theory that every time someone logs into their facebook or myspace page, the softer and more tender their meat becomes.

    Fair warning.

    Like

  2. I have been living my life for some time now and finally it all came together on tip three…i never knew what to call it but today Nov. 21 tip three summed up my life..thanks James for the tip. Ill tell St. Pete that you let me know, that way you can have some bonus points or something…

    Like

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