John 8

If you can read this withouth being deeply affected by it…W.

I got this reflection from emerging sideways, an anonymus blog by a woman caught in a man centered church. Click on the title link and you can read her blog, I may even add it to my blogroll…

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

woman caught

i can’t believe it… he set me up…

i thought he loved me… and he set me up.

i thought i loved him… he set me up.

me.

they dragged me…

not him…

just me.

he said he’d leave her for me… we’d start over… he set me up.

they didn’t even give me time to dress…

i grabbed this sheet to cover myself…

i looked…

i felt… like a whore.

HE SET ME UP.

‘love’ he said…

he said he loved me…

he set me up.

used me like a prop for his friends…

BIG IMPORTANT FRIENDS.

too good to help me when daddy died…

had to do the best i could…

DAMN, he told me he loved me…

how could he use me like that?

what am i gonna do now?

i think i’ll wait… til it’s darker…

so no one sees what a mess i am.

darkness.

i can sneak home…

sneak…

i’m tired of sneaking…

and him… who was he?

‘go’ he said, ‘go, and sin no more’.

those eyes… i’ve never seen anything like them before.

i’ve been with lots of men. felt their eyes on me.

but him…

he didn’t look at me like a piece of meat.

those eyes.

that tear, running down his cheek.

it was like he felt my shame.

like he knew what it was like…

to be used…

to be exposed.

like he knew what it was like to hurt…

the shame… he knew my shame.

those eyes.

writing in the sand… he made them embarrassed…

even made them feel ashamed.

it got so quiet.

i looked up and all those self satisfied smirks wiped off their faces.

they just watched his finger in the sand.

what was he writing? i wish i knew.

shut them up though… such important men.

the town thinks so much of them.

but me… i know…

i know their dirty little secrets.

and they knew i knew, and they knew HE knew too.

who was he?

‘i don’t condemn you either.’

you know, i actually believe him.

the first man i’ve ever met who treated me with respect.

like i remember daddy did before he died…

so kind.

those eyes.

oh those eyes.

it’s getting dark now.

i better get home…

get some clothes…

before momma sees me… like this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

oh momma… you’re home.

yes momma… i’m a mess.

no momma… i’m not hurt.

yes momma… i was out in public like this.

yes momma… some people saw me like this…

…a lot of people saw me like this.

i’m sorry momma… i know it was wrong momma.

you heard?

oh momma… it was so horrible.

i thought he loved me… thought he’d help us momma.

he just used me…

trapped me…

set me up… and threw me away…

like trash.

i’m sorry momma…

i didn’t mean to shame you.

i just didn’t know how to make it better….

i thought this was the only way.

they were going to kill me momma…

stone me.

i thought he loved me…

said he’d leave her for me.

they tore me out of his bed momma…

they knew where i’d be.

he set me up momma.

they brought me to the temple, to a man momma. a rabbi.

i realized then that i was a prop momma…

a prop.

it wasn’t ever about me…

just a piece of meat…

to trap him.

him…

this man…

this rabbi…

not like any of the other rabbis at the temple momma.

his eyes…

those eyes…

momma… you should see his eyes…

they asked him what to do with me…

me…

wrapped in this sheet…

my hair a mess…

covered in sex.

straight from his bed….

ashamed.

what to do with me…

should they stone me? they ask him.

and he says nothin’ momma… nothin’

he kneels down and starts to write in the dirt momma.

oh i wish i could read..

wish i knew what he wrote momma.

cause those men… those important men…

their faces white…

they couldn’t look at me anymore…

they ask him again.

can we stone her?

kill me momma…

he said only those who haven’t broken the law could throw the rocks…

and then he went back to the dirt…

writing in the dirt…

when i looked up they were all gone…

just me…

just him…

and those eyes…

what’s that in my hand?

my hand… oh yes..

a rock momma…

he gave it to me…

it was one they were gonna use to kill me…

i think i’ll keep it momma…

to remember…

to remember…

those eyes.

this was written last november after this day of practicing the presence of god with mike yaconelli and fil anderson. we had focused on john 8 and i spent that afternoon writing. this is what i wrote.

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